No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
