I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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