Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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