I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
