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well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
