Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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