i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
