you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
