How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
