I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
