Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
