when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
