this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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