those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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