fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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