Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
