i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
