singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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