I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
false alarm, still single
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
