A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
At least life still wants to fuck me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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