my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
