Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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