So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
