remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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