i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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