I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize