What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
