i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
