im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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