Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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