I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
