when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
