i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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