girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
