I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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