We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize