Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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