The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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