Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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