Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
