I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
