Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
