I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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