hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
