evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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