I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
