I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
