but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
