I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I cockslap morals
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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