You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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