You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
