Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
