Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
