please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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