I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
