Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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