Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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