I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
