My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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