Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
