I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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