I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
