i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
